In the last couple of weeks, the media have (barely) reported some really scary science news.
Example 1: Scientists discover giant void in universe
It seems that our boys in lab coats have discovered what is effectively a humungous hole in the universe, containing stupid amounts of nothing-at-alls. I mean, you don’t have to have read much science fiction to wonder if (a) it’s growing, (b) whatever ate all that stuff is heading our way, (c) the void is a hole to a parallel universe containing some titanic evil (btw, the scientists now think that at least the first half of possibility c is true).
Can you imagine being the scientists to discover it?
Scientist #1: Dave, I just got the latest WMAP scans in.
Scientist #2: Ok, hmm, let’s see…HOLY F***, THERE’S A BIG F***ING HOLE IN THE UNIVERSE!
Scientist #1: OH F***
Scientist #2: Wait, let’s not panic. How big is it?
Scientist #1: Um… it’s…ONE BILLION LIGHT-YEARS ACROSS??? F***!
Scientist #2: F***! F***!
Scientist #1: Do not want!
If this isn’t scary enough, consider:
Example 2: Scientists observing dark matter may have doomed the universe (oops)
This is a brainwave from some physicists who realised that, by observing dark matter, we are collapsing the outrageously improbable probability wave that allows our universe to continue existing indefinitely. Ie, our scientific enquiry into dark matter is letting the universe know that it should probably disappear in a little poof. Not wise.
Scientist #1: F***! STOP OBSERVING DARK MATTER! WE’RE KILLING THE UNIVERSE’S STATE PROBABILITY FUNCTION AND DOOMING THE UNIVERSE TO AN EARLY DEMISE.
Scientist #2: What? Wait. What? Oh. My. Sweet. F***ing. Christ.
Scientist #1: F***!
Scientist #2: Do not want!
When you put these babies up next to the usual media preoccupations like Iraq, climate change, the sub-prime mortgage collapse and Paris Hilton, the science makes the rest look like little guppies. And yet, are they being covered beyond their first page 7 two-columner? Are we seeing daily headlines like: DOOMING SCIENTISTS APOLOGISE TO ANGRY MOB or NO GIANT TENTACLED HORROR SPOTTED IN THE GREAT DARKNESS? Nope.
To the mainstream media: Just because it’s complex, doesn’t mean it’s not important, guys. So, could you please let any cosmologically significant catastrophe kinda float up to weekly coverage at page two? Please? Ok?
